


Rita and her Crime Pals

by youmockussir



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Aurinko Crime Family, Fluff, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Multi, Texting, Trans Peter Nureyev
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25033591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youmockussir/pseuds/youmockussir
Summary: 2:33 AMJet: Whoever is exercising in Bedroom 5 right now, I would kindly request that you be quieter as a consideration to your shipmates. It is 2:33 AM.2:50 AMJet: If you do not quiet yourself in the next five minutes I will enter and make the request in person.2:55 AMJet: I have some regrets.// or, the Aurinko Crime Family groupchat fic that apparently didn't exist yet
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, Rita & Juno Steel
Comments: 56
Kudos: 479





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> cw: brief reference to Vespa's auditory hallucinations.

9:23 PM

**Buddy:** Excellent job on the heist today. Got the job done. I have now secured the globe in our safe. Get some rest all.

 **Rita:** no u <3

 **Vespa:** it was kind of messy ngl

 **Juno:** hey

 **Peter:** Hey.

 **Buddy:** Vespa, darling, be nice.

 **Vespa:** am I wrong?

9:50 PM

**Vespa:** thought so

* * *

11:10 PM

_Rita changed group’s name to:_ Rita and her Crime Pals

 _Rita changed their name to_ ITSRITAAAA

**Juno:** how did you do that?

 **Buddy:** Rita, darling. Please change it back. We are professionals here.

 **ITSRITAAAA:** ugh, fiiiiine. u guys never let me have anything nice

_Rita changed group’s name to:_ Aurinko Crime Family

**Vespa:** subtle

 **Juno:** rita can you change my name too

 **Juno:** hang on im coming to you

_Rita changed_ Juno’s _name to_ junosteel

**Peter:** Was that entirely necessary, Juno?

 **junosteel:** aesthetic

 **junosteel:** caps harsh my vibe

_Peter changed their name to_ [REDACTED]

* * *

12:00 AM

Direct Message: junosteel -> [REDACTED]

**junosteel:** hey

 **junosteel:** can i come over?

 **junosteel:** i want to talk about some stuff

 **[REDACTED]:** Okay, Juno.

* * *

12:03 AM

Direct Message: ITSRITAAAA -> junosteel

**ITSRITAAAA:** hey boss, i saw you sneaking into Ransom’s room. 

**ITSRITAAAA:** I left you something outside the door 

**ITSRITAAAA:** just in case you decide to use it. 

**ITSRITAAAA:** ya know, for safety and protection and all. 

**ITSRITAAAA:** it’s just like that one stream that i watched last month with franny 

**ITSRITAAAA:** Unplanned Pregnancy & Space Detectives

 **ITSRITAAAA:** that sure would be hard to have a baby on this ship

 **ITSRITAAAA:** but it would be SO CUTE. like, SO CUTE

 **ITSRITAAAA:** maybe i should take it back actually

 **junosteel:** jesus rita its not like that

 **junosteel:** why did you even bring condoms on our space pirate ship?

 **ITSRITAAAA:** ;)

* * *

2:33 AM

**Jet:** Whoever is exercising in Bedroom 5 right now, I would kindly request that you be quieter as a consideration to your shipmates. It is 2:33 AM. 

2:50 AM

**Jet:** If you do not quiet yourself in the next five minutes I will enter and make the request in person.

2:55 AM

**Jet:** I have some regrets.

 **junosteel:** JESUS jet you could have at least knocked

 **Jet:** I did knock. Twice.

 **ITSRITAAAA:** asdfghjjakhjafkhj

 **junosteel:** this is my worst moment. i will never recover from this. im never leaving my room again

 **[REDACTED]:** I would be amenable to that ;)

 **junosteel:** im in hell

 **Vespa:** not the only thing you’re in tonight

 **[REDACTED]:** Now, that's just inaccurate.

 **junosteel:** VESPA I SWEAR TO SPACE GOD

 **Buddy:** Crew, it’s 3 in the morning and you should all be sleeping. Goodnight, all.

* * *

8:00 AM

**Buddy:** Jet and Vespa are taking a supplies run in an hour. Does anyone have requests?

 **ITSRITAAAA:** SALMON SNACKS

 **ITSRITAAAA:** OOOO and maybe some of those new spicy mint chips

 **ITSRITAAAA:** OH! popcorn for movie nights! tonight we’re watching Star Trek XXVI and tomorrow we’re watching Spy Kids in Space and the next day we’re watching 

**Buddy:** Thanks, Rita. We’ll add it to the list.

_ITSRITAAAA is typing…_

**junosteel:** gun

 **Vespa:** gun

 **junosteel:** same hat!!!!

 **Jet:** We already have guns at home.

 **junosteel:** awww no fair dad :(

 **Jet:** I believe you are mistaken, Juno. I am not your father, nor am I anyone else’s father.

 **Vespa:** daddy

 **Jet:** Allow me to repeat myself. I am not your father, nor am I anyone else’s father.

_Vespa changed Jet’s name to_ Daddy

**junosteel:** daddy!

 **[REDACTED]:** I’m… not sure how I feel about this.

 **Daddy:** Sometimes I feel as though no one listens to me.

_ITSRITAAAA is typing…_

* * *

3:39 PM

**Vespa:** hey is anyone playing cotton eyed joe in the port wing?

 **ITSRITAAAA:** not me

 **Daddy:** I am not

 **Buddy:** Not I, darling.

 **junosteel:** …

 **junosteel:** maybe

 **Vespa:** oh thank god

 **Vespa:** dont get me wrong thats appalling but like

 **Vespa:** phew

 **[REDACTED]:** Juno, please turn that off. I can hear it all the way from the armory.

 **junosteel:** make me

 **junosteel:** ;)

 **Vespa:** NOPE

_Vespa has left the chat_

_RITABOT!! added Vespa to the chat_

**RITABOT!!:** User [Vespa] does not have leaving privileges. If you would like to be removed from [Aurinko Crime Family], please contact the owner of the group, [ITSRITAAAA]

 **junosteel:** uh what

 **Vespa:** EXCUSE ME

_Vespa has left the chat_

_RITABOT!! added Vespa to the chat_

**RITABOT!!:** User [Vespa] does not have leaving privileges. If you would like to be removed from [Aurinko Crime Family], please contact the owner of the group, [ITSRITAAAA]

 **Vespa:** HELLO????

 **ITSRITAAAA:** oops my b!

 **ITSRITAAAA:** buddy wanted me to implement a groupchat bot for security reasons and I was gonna make it all fancy but then I got distracted and just left the barebones version so whoops

 **ITSRITAAAA:** you’re not like trapped here if u dont wanna be

 **Buddy:** Rita, what did I tell you about changing the ownership of the group?

 **ITSRITAAAA:** but buddyyyyyyy

 **Buddy:** Rita.

 **ITSRITAAAA:** ugh

 **ITSRITAAAA:** fiiiineeeee

_RITABOT!! changed_ Buddy’s _role to: owner_

 _RITABOT!!! changed_ ITSRITAAAA’s _role to: super cool admin_

**junosteel:** wait i want a cool role too

_RITABOT!!! changed_ junosteel’s _role to: nerd_

**junosteel:** hey!

_RITABOT!!! changed_ junosteel’s _role to: ultra nerd_

**[REDACTED]:** lol

 **Vespa:** lol

 **ITSRITAAAA:** lol

 **junosteel:** i hate all of u


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oops i did it again

Direct Message: Vespa -> junosteel

1:49 AM

**Vespa:** Hey, are you awake?

**junosteel:** yeah, im in the port wing

**junosteel:** u?

**Vespa:** obviously dipshit

**Vespa:** sorry

**junosteel:** nightmares?

**Vespa:** yeah

**junosteel:** me too

**junosteel:** come hang out

**junosteel:** ive got chicken nugs

**Vespa:** HOLY SHIT

**Vespa:** OMW

* * *

[Aurinko Crime Family]

7:30 AM

**Buddy:** Good morning, crew. We will be doing some family bonding at 9 in Activity Room 2. 

**junosteel:** oh good for a second there i thought i’d escaped middle school

**junosteel:** are we doing two truths and a lie?

**Buddy:** Juno, just.. Please take this seriously for once.

**junosteel:** ...thats not a no

* * *

Direct Message: junosteel -> ITSRITAAAA

7:34 AM

**junosteel:** rita do you have any fun facts about me

**junosteel:** i cant remember shit

**junosteel:** i cant even remember what i had for breakfast yesterday

_ ITSRITAAAA is typing… _

* * *

[Aurinko Crime Family]

7:40 AM

**[REDACTED]:** Question.

**[REDACTED]:** Can we do two lies and a lie?

**[REDACTED]:** Asking for a friend.

**Buddy:** No, Peter.

* * *

Direct Message: ITSRITAAAA -> junosteel

8:23 AM

_ ITSRITAAAA is typing... _

* * *

[Aurinko Crime Family]

8:25 AM

**Jet:** Shower stall 1 is now available.

_ Vespa changed Jet’s name to Daddy _

**Vespa:** Nice try, dad.

**Daddy:** This feels unnecessary.

**[REDACTED]:** Whatever you say, Daddy.

**Daddy:** You too, Peter?

**[REDACTED]:** ;)

* * *

[Aurinko Crime Family]

8:45 AM

**Buddy:** Also, I forgot to mention: wear flexible clothes.

**ITSRITAAAA:** ?????

**Buddy:** We  _ will  _ be playing twister

**junosteel:** are you there, Space God?

**junosteel:** it’s me, Juno.

**junosteel:** please, if you have any mercy to spare,

**junosteel:** hit me with the biggest asteroid you got

**Vespa:** shut the hell your face dipshit

* * *

[Aurinko Crime Family]

2:04 PM

**Daddy:** We are currently out of ice packs, but will be making more in the kitchen.

**ITSRITAAAA:** my whole body hurts

**Vespa:** peter your girlfriend sucks

**Vespa** : throw the whole damn juno away

**junosteel:** HEY

**junosteel:** its not my fault my depth perception is so bad,,,

**[REDACTED]:** Well…

**[REDACTED]:** It was your decision to swallow that mind-reading pill, Juno.

**ITSRITAAAA:** wait is THAT what happened to your eye???

**ITSRITAAAA:** you read minds SO GOOD that your eye just popped out????

**Vespa:** wait for real?

**Vespa:** juno what the fuck

**junosteel:** wait no thats not what happened

**junosteel:** …

**junosteel:** okay thats kind of what happened

**Buddy:** That’s fucked up

**junosteel:** SPACE MOM SAID THE FUCK WORD

**ITSRITAAAA:** :0 !!!

_ ITSRITAAAA changed Buddy’s name to Space Mom _

**ITSRITAAAA:** can you tell what I’m thinking right now?

**junosteel:** …

* * *

[Aurinko Crime Family]

9:33 PM

**ITSRITAAAA:** hey all <3 <3 <3 i love u all dearly as my crime family <3 <3 <3 and i would never do any of you harm <3 <3 <3 but did anyone take my chicken nuggets?

**junosteel:** oh those were yours?

**junosteel:** haha sorry yeah that was me

**ITSRITAAAA:** JUNO U PIECE OF SHIT

**junosteel:** :0


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [REDACTED]: Sure hope this doesn’t awaken anything in me.

  
  


[Aurinko Crime Family]

6:30 PM

**ITSRITAAAA:** i’m now taking votes for movie night tonight!

**junosteel:** the bee movie

**ITSRITAAAA:** anyone else

**Daddy:** I would be interested in any sort of action movie or light-hearted drama

**[REDACTED]:** Mission Impossible? I’ve heard it has some great action.

**Daddy** : Yes, that satisfies my requirements.

**[REDACTED]:** Sure hope this doesn’t awaken anything in me.

**junosteel:** i liked the thing someone said earlier about the bee movie?

* * *

[Aurinko Crime Family]

8:44 AM

**Space Mom:** To the owner of the strap left in the kitchen, please come retrieve it.

**Daddy:** I just completed inventory of the Armory, Buddy. All weapons are accounted for.

**Space Mom:** Not that kind of strap, Jet.

**Spare Mom:** …

**Space Mom:** Peter I see you in the air vent. 

**[REDACTED]:** No you don’t

**Buddy:** Please come down here and retrieve your lost item like a normal person.

**[REDACTED]:** See, I would, but I’m busy.

**junosteel:** oh for fuck’s sake ill get it

**[REDACTED]:** Thank you, Juno

* * *

Direct Message: junosteel -> [REDACTED]

9:05 AM

**junosteel:** you’re stuck aren’t you

**[REDACTED]:** yes please help

**junosteel:** jfc 

**junosteel:** what was your plan?

**junosteel:** space mission impossible down from the ceiling?

**[REDACTED]:** ...maybe

**junosteel:** why?

**junosteel:** why, peter? why?

**[REDACTED]:** stealth

**junosteel:** …

**[REDACTED]:** s t e a l t h

**junosteel:** no i got that

* * *

[Aurinko Crime Family]

9:16 AM

**Space Mom:** Juno, darling? 

**junosteel:** ok so there’s good news and bad news

**junosteel:** the good news is i’m in the kitchen

**junosteel:** the bad news is i’m also stuck in the air vent

**Vespa:** SKSKSKSKKS

**Vespa:** Ransom was STUCK?????

**Vespa:** I’m crying

**junosteel:** pls help

**Vespa:** I’m literally crying

**junosteel:** can you cry later i think there’s a bee in here

**Space Mom:** Bees have been extinct for hundreds of years, Juno.

**junosteel:** yeah that’s why i’m worried.

**Daddy:** I’ll be there with the WD-40 in a bit. Stay put.

**junosteel:** don’t really have an option now do i

**ITSRITAAAA:** are y’all hungry? I can try to throw some snacks up there for you

**[REDACTED]:** That won’t be necessary, Rita.

**junosteel:** speak for yourself james bond 

**junosteel:** toss me some of those potato chips rita

**ITSRITAAAA:** yessir!

* * *

[Aurinko Crime Family]

9:38 AM

**Daddy:** Everyone has been released from the vents. In the future, please consider other avenues of transportation around the ship

**junosteel:** this all could have been avoided if we watched the bee movie like i’d suggested

**Vespa:** This all could have been avoided if y’all could keep it in your pants

**Vespa:** Or even, keep it in your bedroom

**[REDACTED]:** I regret nothing

**junosteel:** he doesn’t speak for me

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ideas/prompts for crime family shenanigans? drop em below


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **junosteel:** ew nevermind forget i said anything god

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: alcohol
> 
> here’s a refresher of the names, since it’s been literally six months since ive updated
> 
> junosteel : Juno
> 
> [REDACTED] : Peter Nureyev
> 
> Vespa : Vespa
> 
> Space Mom : Buddy
> 
> Daddy: Jet
> 
> ITSRITAAAA : Rita
> 
> This takes place after Juno Steel and What Lies Beyond but just… ignoring the last five minutes.

**[REDACTED:]** that weddng was so beatufucil im crie

**[REDACTED]:** im so glad tht nothing went wrong and noone interrruppted and im lov u all soooooo much

**ITSRITAAAA:** what a super weird thing to say that came out of nowhere

**junosteel:** ignore him

**junosteel:** he’s drunk

**[REDACTED]:** drumk on loooove perhasp

**[REDACTED]:** and rose :)))

**[REDACTED]:** but mostly love 

**ITSRITAAAA:** _[video description: Buddy and Vespa slow-dance. It’s beautiful. Enough said.]_

**ITSRITAAAA:** look at my moms!!! they’re beautiful and in love and full of knives

**ITSRITAAAA:** also here’s all the pictures i took 

_ ITSRITAAAA has sent 1023 photos to the chat _

**Space Mom:** Thank you, Rita darling. I’m sure we will treasure these many, many mementos of our special day for years to come. 

**Space Mom:** Just. So many.

**junosteel:** oh no

**ITSRITAAAA:** what?

**junosteel:** Ransom is crying again

**[REDACTED]:** NOOO IM NOT

**[REDACTED]:** its just so beautyful

**[REDACTED]:** their love is forrrevver 

**[REDACTED]:** juno i promise im gonna make an honest lady out of you one day

**[REDACTED]:** or my name isnt peter random

**[REDACTED]:** durk rose

**[REDACTED]:** sex glass

**[REDACTED]:** peter naruto

**[REDACTED]:** fuck

**[REDACTED]:** guys help i cant rememember my name

**[REDACTED]:** oh yeah its pekjsghkjhadaghljsaa;erghlbvfdas

**[REDACTED]:** hello this is juno, my idiot boyfriend’s comms have been confiscated for the rest of the evening

**Daddy:** That is probably for the best

* * *

**junosteel:** surprise bitch

**junosteel:** you’ve been pickpockettted

**junosteel:** good lucc finding where ive hidden your commms ;) ;) ;)

**Vespa:** Really? In front of my wedding reception?

* * *

**ITSRITAAAA:** _[video description: Juno is attempting to find his comms in Peter’s many, many pockets. Since Peter is wearing cargo pants, this is taking a very long time, and a small pile of items is accumulating on the floor. Peter looks very smug. Juno looks very tired. Something in the pile moves]_

* * *

**Space Mom:** Thank you all for attending the ceremony. It meant a great deal to my lovely Vespa and I. We will see all of you in the evening tomorrow, when we resume normal activities. Much love.

**Vespa:** If I see ANY OF YOU in the next 24 hours I will strangle you

**junosteel:** even buddy?

**Vespa:** I will strangle her with my thighs :)

**junosteel:** ew nevermind forget i said anything god

**Space Mom:** Come now, Vespa. We have wedding night activities planned. 

**Vespa:** YES MAAM OMW

**Vespa:** see you idiots later 

**junosteel:** it feels weird not to be the gross ones for once

**Daddy:** Agreed. I do not like it.

**[REDACTED]:** That can be changed :)

**junosteel:** ok how the hell did you steal your comms from me AGAIN? we’re in different rooms??

**[REDACTED]:** Why don’t you come over here and find out? ;)

**junosteel:** sigh

**ITSRITAAAA:** mistah steel,,, did you just type out ‘sigh’?

**junosteel:** how else am i going to show that i am a long-suffering edgy lady

**junosteel:** wait i just had an idea

**junosteel:** _[video description: a two-second close up of Juno’s mouth. He sighs dramatically]_

**junosteel:** nailed it

**ITSRITAAAA:** honestly im just surprised he figured out how to use the video function on his comms


	5. A Day in the Life of Jet Sikuliaq

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jet: I believe that was my pickle, Buddy.
> 
> Buddy: I would apologize, but I would absolutely do it again if given the opportunity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly idek whats going on with this fic anymore
> 
> SpaceMom=Buddy, Daddy=Jet, [REDACTED]=Peter, everyone else is self explanatory
> 
> -
> 
> chapter cw: referenced food, vomiting, wine

Direct Message: Daddy -> junosteel

6:30 am

**Daddy:** Good morning Juno. I will see you in the exercise room in fifteen minutes

6:40 am

**Daddy:** Good morning Juno. I will see you in the exercise room in five minutes.

**junosteel:** hkhjksdfak hsadfdhkjfd

6:44 am

**Daddy:** Good morning Juno. I will see you in the exercise room in one minute.

**junosteel:** yeah yeah i’m On My Way!

**junosteel:** hnghhh autocorrect. 

**junosteel:** im omw

**junosteel:** not awake enough for caps

**Daddy:** If there exists a time where you have been awake enough for capital letters, I have not seen it. 

**junosteel:** Smartass

**Daddy:** Behold! A miracle.

**junosteel:** hate u

**Daddy:** I am hilarious.

**junosteel:** hnghhh

* * *

[Aurinko Crime Family]

8:31 am

**Daddy:** Vespa and I have prepared breakfast. It is eggs. I recommend coming to eat it before it was cold.

**junosteel:** hnghhhh

**[REDACTED]:** Love, please stop texting in the shower. It’ll ruin the screen on your comms. 

**junosteel:** hnghhhhhhhhhhh

**[REDACTED]:** Sweetheart....

**junosteel:** gnhhh

**[REDACTED]:** Honey-pie?

**Vespa:** If you two don’t cut that out I’m gonna barf all over these mediocre eggs

**junosteel:** …

**junosteel:** he started it

**junosteel:** and besides, im not the only one texting in the shower

**Jet:** Gross.

**ITSRITAAAA:** sorry mistah jet

**SpaceMom:** Rita, dear, why are you apologizing?

**ITSRITAAAA:** I just knew they weren’t going to

* * *

[Put-Pocketing]

1:08 pm

**Buddy:** Darlings, prepare to be astonished.

**Buddy:** My latest accomplishment…

**Buddy:** @Pocket-Rita Large Pickle

**Pocket-Rita:**

[Buddy] is in [1st] place with:

[5 Pens, 12 Papers, 1 Cheese Stick, 1 Large Pickle]

-

[Vespa] is in [2nd] place with:

[3 knife, 1 Knife, 1 four small knives, 1 stab stab motherfucker, 1 more knives, 1 novelty shot glass]

-

[Jet] is in [3rd] place with:

[1 screwdriver, 3 bolts]

-

[Rita] is in [4th] place with:

[1 Copy of Space Pirates and Unplanned Pregnancy]

**Vespa:** how the hell did you manage to put an entire pickle into ransom's pocket without him noticing?????

**Jet:** I believe that was my pickle, Buddy.

**Buddy:** I would apologize, but I would absolutely do it again if given the opportunity.

**Jet:** Understandable. Have a nice day.

* * *

Direct Message: Daddy -> RITABOT!!!!

1:45 pm

**Jet:** Add “Pickles” to the shopping list.

**RITABOT!!!!:** Added “Pickles” to list “Carte Blanche Groceries”

**Jet:** Thank you.

* * *

[Aurinko Crime Family]

8:04 pm

**ITSRITAAAA:** Mistah Jet and I are watching Space Werewolves and Forest Aliens III: Enemies-to-Friends-to-Farmers-to-Rival-Farmers-to-Lovers soon if anyone wants to join!!!

**Jet:** I have made snacks for this occasion. Half are allergen-free for Buddy.

**[REDACTED]:** You made… food-free snacks?

**Jet:** It is a bottle of wine.

**SpaceMom:** Jet, you are a wonderful friend and I delight in your presence.

**[REDACTED]:** Is anyone missing a pickle? I seem to have absentmindedly swiped one at some point during the day. My apologies if it is yours.  
  
  



End file.
